A shocking two-thirds of managers are uncomfortable communicating with their employees, and over a third resist giving difficult feedback for fear of negative responses. Research demonstrates that giving difficult feedback gets even more complex when you add in a line of difference like race, gender, culture, etc. So what’s an unskilled manager to do?
I've been lucky throughout my career to have several great managers. Almost all of them have been women, both black and white. As a black man, I've had only one manager who shared both my race and gender identity, and I loved that experience too. Despite these differences, my favorite managers all had some things in common: I felt seen, I had a lot of autonomy, and they were intentional about giving difficult feedback.
One memorable example happened during my first summer managing a school team. My manager saw that I was nervous about being in charge. At that time, I was more focused on my team liking me than on giving them helpful, honest feedback. So, she decided to show me how to give constructive feedback effectively—and used me as the example!
While practicing a speech for the staff, I kept missing key points. My manager suddenly stopped me, gave me direct feedback on what needed improvement, and had me try again immediately. Initially, I felt offended, but before I could dwell on it, she was already debriefing the experience with humor and warmth. During that conversation, she shared a powerful insight: being clear and direct with feedback doesn't damage relationships; it's actually a form of kindness. (She and Brené Brown both agree on that.) It helped that we already had a foundation of trust as well.
That moment was transformational. It taught me not to prioritize being liked over giving valuable feedback. My manager was right—our relationship didn't suffer. It grew stronger. In fact, we're still friends today, long after our professional relationship ended. That's what happens when someone is honest and genuinely invested in your growth: you learn to trust them.
Ready to take your feedback practice to the next level? Register for our session on how to give great feedback and join the waitlist for the upcoming release of BremAITM as you look to grow your skills as a manager.
